B for Body
Only yesterday you were admiring your fertile godess' allure.
Its hump was the envy of all and the awe of your beloved.
Then, terrible cramps told you that a new chapter of your life was about to start, as the process of expulsion followed its course, you suddenly realized that this beautiful pregnant body of yours, the one that imposed kindness and admiration from others, was really just a loan.
The conclusion of your labour ordeal making it very clear to you that, you had some late fees on your account and that the price to pay was utter grosseness.
Be prepared: the past few months mislead you to think that you had gained some sort of mojo, making everyone around you think you were the most awesome and interesting person in the room, as colleagues and family regularly inquired on every aspect of your existence, from your sleep quality to your intimate fears and hopes.
All this is OVER girlfriend.
The new center of attention is named BABY and he left his mark on your body.9 months of gradual stretching, sleepless nights and breastfeeding will take care of keeping your body unrecognizable to your eyes and those of your entourage.
know your enemies:
Enemy number 1: Janice Min editor of US magazine and her ilk, who are responsible for popularizing the "Celebrities get their bods back three weeks after giving birth! How they did it and you can too!..."Truth is honey, ain't gonna happen. (you are kind of short of a nanny, a private chef, a private yoga teacher, a private ex israeli soldier trainer, and a feng shui consultant).
Enemy number 2 :BABY. That leech will not let you rest, and the little "me" time you will get, will be spent catching up on cooking, cleaning dishes, doing laundry, folding laundry, and eating food out of a can.If you're lucky, you might get 5 minutes in the bathroom, where you are sure to lament the state of your post-pregnancy bod which, unlike Beyonce's, isn't bouncing back to its pre-prego physique. I hate to break it to you but, you can now be certain that this mortal shell of yours will forever resist morphing into Gisele Bundchen's body.
Your weapons: A big shot of realism, tolerance and a Gillian Anderson video.
If you are breasfeeding, your attack will have to be postponed for a little while.
